come join us!

open box therapy facebook page .... come join us

a little Saturday morn self reflection.

I can't help but feel sometimes, as I peruse the internet, too much of our focus as 'mental health professionals', psychotherapists, counsellors, therapists....call us what you like, is aimed at connecting with and impressing other 'professionals' with our skills, knowledge and qualifications.

I call it mutual stroking and it has very little to do with reaching out to those who could really benefit from connecting to us.

Beautiful by design - That's you!

This is so true and many of us don't hear it said enough.
Isn't is the belief our little girls need instilled into their sense of self from all of us, and from our society?  That they may grow and make manifest in their lives their innate beauty, rather than the self loathing that cripples their potential to be the beautiful women they are born to be....'beautiful by design', inside and out!

A lovely reminder and wise words from Steve Maraboli.
Print it out, stick it on your mirror and repeat it to yourself next time your scrutinizing yourself to death.
Be gentle with your self talk and believe what he's telling you...it's the truth, and it's empowering, that's why some people would rather you not know it!

You will find this little change in your self perception and self belief, more than anything else you do for yourself, will enable you to make whatever changes you desire in your life with ease.

Have a great day today!

Bella's Big Picture: True appreciation expressed beautifully

Bella's Big Picture: True appreciation expressed beautifully

Just Breathe

Sounds simple...but really, breathing is so good for us, we should all be doing it consciously and getting the most out of it.

How to talk to your daughter about her body.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Home sweet home

                           
How would you define 'home'? How important is it to you? I think this is possibly much more of a complex 'idea' than one might at first think, at least it is for me.

Is home a definable place or is it more about the people within, or maybe both? I have an insatiable yearning for 'home'. It's a never ending, subconscious, overarching feeling of searching and longing that never leaves me; filling my dream time with fruitless 'house hunting' adventures and disappointment. It's an exhausting theme to explore so often but one I feel so deeply at my core that I really must find out what it is I'm searching for.

I don't have a 'home'. Until I find mine, I truly believe I will be on this quest to find my way home forever.

Do you have a home? Or do you have a house that you live in?

That's me....I live in a house but it's not my home. Home for me represents something much more significant than a roof over my head. To me a home is a safe place. It's a womb, a nest, a den, a cozy space and a place that fits a persons shape, inside and outside.

It's spiritual and physical and deeply personal. It's the resting place for my spirit. My sanctuary, my oasis. If it's anything less than these things, to me, it's not really a home, it's simply a place to live, not a place to BE. Maybe I'm an idealist? Maybe I haven't quite grown up?

I have been without a home for most of my life. The only real 'home' I've known was with my Grandma at her house near the sea in Essex, when I was a young girl. There I felt I could be me. I felt free. I felt loved and safe. I have never known such feelings since attached to a particular place that I've lived.  Perhaps this is all part of growing up? I don't know?!

If it is then it's a sad loss to endure. And if that's the case, why do I continually dream of houses? Why am I looking for my home if it's not out there? Is it a real place, or is it like Oz, only the stuff of dreams? Is it a psychological structure? An internal place?  I'm not sure.

I'd really like to know your thoughts on home and where it sits in your own personal hierarchy of needs? For me I believe it's the foundation stone, the anchor for my 'self'. Without it I believe I'm bound to my gypsy life, night and day.  Floating, roaming, wandering through my life, camping out in places for periods of time, never unpacking and no more possessions than I can carry. I'm always looking for a place to call home...am I stuck or am I free?

Domestic nightmare!

For the past couple of days this sickening image has haunted me like it has so many of you, I'm sure. This chilling snap shot has an instant reawakening effect. The sleeping dragon that lives way back in the closet for so many women, opens a terrifying eye and stares at us from our tv's, newspapers, magazines and iphones....domestic nightmares familiar to so many women, relived in every deplorable detail through Nigella's eyes.

It would seem even my own box has been sprung open with the force of this image. Thrown before me, "as if to say hah you thought you had escaped" my own personal collection of vile memories.

Father's Day reflections.

http://elle-gee-.artistwebsites.com/

Fathers Day........what does it this mean for you? A day to celebrate your Dad or a day to wish you had had one....a nice one maybe? or anyone at all?  Dad's are important, hard as that maybe to admit for some....good, bad or indifferent, they are a part of us, inseperable from us and our psychi's.  It's worth coming to terms with this reality or you may find you're carrying it around like a heavy box you may never open but have to find room for wherever you live.

For me this has always been a difficult day but it changed shape altogether for me last year when my Father died unexpectedly suddenly of cancer, without a word to my sister or myself.....no time to re-connect, no time to say goodbye, no time at all! No words, no note even, no last days, no new memories....just a hole, a nothingness.....what do I do with that? What do I fill it with? Should I even try?

How do we cope with death, with grief and with loss when there can be no reconciling....it's very hard as I'm sure any of you out there who've experienced similar feelings will know.

Inspiring reading.

http://www.newdawncollections.com/modern.htm

"The dialectic of transcendence is about drawing truth from trauma, realizing that the deep truths of the abyss are well worth having and that we can build on those foundations more surely than on any surface."  Emmy Van Deurzen.

http://www.emmyvandeurzen.com/?page_id=126

Emmy Van Deurzen is a long time favourite of mine, revisiting her work is like home-made lemonade on a sunny day...perfect revival for the weary thinker.

Reality check

ya gotta face it when you're actually trying to convince yourself your knickers must have shrunk...it's time to put down the minstrels!

— Bella Teeple (@BellaBellaLive) June 14, 2013

Seeing is believing....what do you see?

  

This sounds incredibly simplistic doesn't it and even a little patronising, especially if things in your life aren't going so well! What does it mean anyway? 

Well 'seeing' in this context is much more than observing, it really means believing, as the old saying goes.....

Our beliefs are the result of our interpretion of what we see,  and the meaning and value we attribute to it.  This is a really complex internal process happening of out of our awareness, with it's roots burried deep within our psychi, grounded in the fertile soil of our earliest socialisation.

This is stuff we learn from babyhood as we gaze at the faces around us and guage their reactions to what they 'see' happening inside and outside and around us all the time. They are the mirrors from whom we literaly learn the meaning of life.

Our beliefs are fundamental to who we 'know' ourselves to be, and therefore what we believe we may also become! This is why it's well worth taking a look at this area of ourselves, and uncovering and challenging any unhelpful beliefs that maybe limiting our potential sucess... for me this means my happiness.

How we translate our observations shapes our self perceptions and therefore our sense of self efficacy.  This ultimately influences our actions and therefore shapes the outcome and our experince........which.... reinforces our self beliefs and our beliefs about life and the world in general. It really is that simple! And so it goes, round and round...on and on....and nothing can change until our beliefs change!

Doing the necessary personal work to get to the bottom of what you 'see' and what you believe, and understanding how these values shape our entire sense of self, and our children's, takes a little focused application but not necessarily years in therapy. There's lots you can do to help figure yourself out and make positive life changing adjustments in your attitude and circumstances. It's not a quick fix route to sucess...well that depends how you translate sucess I suppose but it is definately a necessary psychological detox without which you might never realise your full personal potential!

Here's an article you may find helpful

http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/core-beliefs-cbt.htm 

If you would like to dig a little deeper and spend some time talking through the feelings this piece of work brings up for you feel free to get in touch. Sometimes we just need someone to hear our thoughts before we can box them up...sometimes we hang onto them for years till we find the right person and the right opportunity. Drop me a line at    bellasbubble@gmail.com

Intelligence is Beautiful!

I love this! And it's true! What's more....intelligence is beautiful....it's sexy, it's sassy....it's challenging! But only for some people.....people with smaller capacities who feel threatened by others brilliance!

Don't let small minded, ignorant people be your reason for dimming your light! Shine bright and be a beacon for all those like you who maybe lost in the dark and for those who would rather live in your light and have it's reflection magnify their lives than be without it, living in the shadows.

So, whichever way you look at it, being BRIGHT is a good thing!! So shine your brightest and be a beautiful light in the world today.

It's a uniquely satisfying feeling knowing....

...my thoughts are circulating the wide world, and some where, someone is sharing them with me!

I'd love to know who you are! Come join me, lets connect!

Age Gracefully? What does this mean anyway?

As I tentitively, self consciously, rationally and dare I admit it excitedly.... pushed the button on my first ever order of (all natural!!) diet pills today, I knew I had crossed a threshold within myself and passed a point of no return! I had embarked discretely down the route of chemical warfare! Was this good for me, or was it bad? I'm not sure?!

Was I fighting a worthy battle, defending my right to be youthful and sexy for as long as I could afford to.... or capitulating? Was my purchase a moral self defeat? Did I succome to the media driven, relentless, inevitable tide of insecurity and self doubt that creeps up hard and fast once we cross the 40 something threshold? Has my resistance played right into their hands....they who drive social trends and cultural expectations?

Why am I even thinking about it this deeply? Is it guilt I feel for wasting money on my vanity? Maybe! Guilty for cheating, maybe!  Guilty for allowing myself to be seduced by the 'science' and the 90 day money back guarantee, maybe!

Really it's of no consequence anyway... it's as simple as this, I want to wear a sassy monokini this year, not a black 'mummy one-piece' with build in controls and matching cover-up. And I'm to darn lazy to excercise excessively when there's an easy alternative at my finger tips! So it's a morale defeat as well as a moral one? And you know what I don't really care!
What's happened to me?! Aging...that's what's happened! And it's not graceful or anything noble, it's just depressing!

How many of us put ourselves through these sorts of interogations? I doubt I'm the only one, we women are such harsh self critics, it's no wonder there's little grace to be found in the beauty market.

If you look at nothing else, take a few mins to watch this! It simply says it all!

This remarkably humble lady, Alice Herz-Sommer, has the answers to life's most challenging questions....what's more she is qualified beyond any doubt with the wisdom and of a survivor and the Grace of the Spirit. This isn't a religious issue for me, I'm not here to chat about that....for me it's a fundamental human truth that transcends all regious retoric and hits home to the Spirit within us all.

Do take a few minutes to let this message penetrate deep within you. I belive it has the power to free your spirit from the trivial cares and worries that afflict so many of us today. I believe we can all find a peaceful respite in the simplicity of Alice's wise words.

Another holocaust survivor who has inspired me with similar wisdom is Viktor Frankl. You might like to check out his work. http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/viktor-frankl/

I hope you find this as inspiring as me. I hope it helps you in some way to find happiness in your day today. 

Let it all go...and dance!

                                               https://www.facebook.com/WholarianVision

I loved this pic the second I saw it....reminds me of me and the intense pleasure I feel dancing. I just love music, all sorts of music...and I LOVE to dance, wild an free! I believe it's in my DNA, in my soul. How about you? When was the last time you threw back your head, spread your arms and let the rhythm take you back to your roots?! Try it, it's totally invigorating and rejuvenating...has all sorts of wonderful pay offs! Enjoy!

"Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances."

~ Maya Angelou

There's tons written about the benefits of dance for the Mind, Body and Spirit.

While focus of these articles is mostly around physical fitness and mental acuity, even sociability.....there are wonderful side effects of dance that aren't so often written about that I think we should include here - Make no mistake about it dancing is sexy, it's sensual, it's errotic...yes even ballroom! It's intimate and it's connected.....all this translates into great foreplay for couples looking to connect on a whole other level. 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Spiritual-Awakenings-%E0%A5%90/105433989565465

Circle of Moms

http://www.circleofmoms.com

Anyone belong to this group? I just joined : ) 

5 reasons to love advocados

  http://www.besthealthmag.ca/eat-well/healthy-eating/5-reasons-to-eat-more-avocados

Good for you in just about everyway I can think of! Besides being super healthy they're a feel good food fave of mine! Luckily I can eat all I like in Cyprus....judging from this article, they're a super good for you and baby food....if we ate more advocados, lots of bananas and loved each other often I have no doubt we'd all live to be 120 at least!

Sexy Stress Relieving Tips!

                            Bananas and kisses for Breakfast...feel good therapy at it's very best!
                                                   Have a great weekend everyone!

                     http://www.realbeauty.com/health/wellness/sex-stress-relief#slide-1

Bananas are super good for you!

http://www.thequotedposts.com/after-reading-this-youll-never-look-at-a-banana-in-the-same-way-again/

Can't sleep?

 

http://stepzzi.deviantart.com/art/I-cant-Sleep-193089886

This is a recurring curse for me.....maybe you too?  My mind just won't switch off sometimes making a restful nights sleep an illusive dream itself. 

I can't understate the importance of sleep to our wellbeing. Sleep deprivation is a killer - on energy levels, mood, academic performance and libido! Actually all our relationships suffer if we're tired! 

Of course there are lots of remedies for this problem, sleeping tablets, herbal remedies, warm milk, soft music, sex......you name it I've tried them all except prescription sleeping pills, which I couldn't take once I'd read the warnings sheet which is typical of me! My problem's anxiety and overly active imagination, so give me a list of grusome possibilities and I'm guaranteed no rest!

We can literally feel like a different person after a good nights rest. It's the easiest thing in the world to take for granted till you experince insomnia.  There is a role therapy can play in helping to relax us and contain our overactive thinking. 

Here's what I do...

Losing ourselves in motherhood.

This is an enormous topic...one I understand all to well having had four kids myself and now I'm a Nanny and the cycle begins again.......omg...it's so easy to lose your mind in this role!
I'll come back to this in a bit......I thought I'd post it, I'm sure plenty of you will laugh and appreciate the truth of this one!  

Mind, Body & Spirit - the human trinity

How true is this! The quest to change ourselves, to progress towards enlightenment whether spiritual or intellectual or both..... all starts with how we THINK. How we think effects how we SEE,  even what we see..... and ultimately how we REGARD both OURSELVES and OTHERS.

If you can think of this in terms of your relationships then it becomes really relevant to all of us. The quality of our relationships directly affects how we perceive ourselves, whether we feel valued and loved, whether we're resilient emotionally and have a healthy self esteem. If we can adjust our thinking to enable us to access good relationships, with people can appreciate us it's gotta be worth looking at this side of ourselves.

For me any change within ourselves involves our MIND, BODY & SPIRIT -  the human trinity.

To affect the most powerful, meaningful progress toward your goals it is fundamental to engage all three elements of yourself in the task. You cannot truly move freely in any direction without an acceptance of your whole self.

This is what therapy offers us all, the opportunity to discover and unite our whole selves and ultimately become a closer representation of our potential - we individuate and self actualise.

If you're not sure what this all means, no worries, I'm going to be putting together pages covering these ideas, with tips for working with them that you can use at home.

Embrace your shadow

            "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." 
                                                                                                                                         Carl Jung

You may not have heard of Debbie Ford, I just learned she died in February this year...that's so sad she was only 55. Anyhow she wrote a book called 'Dark Side of the Light Chasers' , a book about learning to know and accept our dark side - our shadow. 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dark-Side-Light-Chasers-Reclaiming/dp/0340819057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369839747&sr=8-1&keywords=dark+side+of+the+light+chasers

I loved this book, found it intriguing and illuminating. I am a fan of Jungian psychology as you may have guessed...for me it helps me to 'see' things much more clearly...so I can understand and apply these principals in my own life, in my own language. After all, understanding should be universally accessible, and intelligible, not purly the domain of academics....there are many ways to know something!

Those things we most dislike, condemn and judge in others are invariable aspects of ourselves that we have difficulty accepting. We all have a dark side, a shadow self....it's natural and necessary, just as we have light we have shadow....we are yin and yang. 

"To confront a person with their own shadow is to show them their own light" 

                                                                                                                              Carl Jung

Love your child.

I love this theme....the inner child....makes me smile just thinking about what a fantastic difference this awareness can make in your own life, I really hope I can interest you to invest in some personal work on this topic once we've spoken here. Really there's no greater positive, creative resource that you have within you, right now, than your own 'child' self!

Our inner child self, is that part of us that's fun, energetic, exciting, inquiring, innocent, uninhibited, naive, boundlessly joyful, creative, enchanting, spiritual, loving, accepting, generous, open minded, ageless! These are just some of the attributes I see in my own child self, you have them too......mine can also be stubborn, irrational, demanding, selfish, self absorbed and thoroughly trying for somebody not in love with me!

The key is to be loved and accepted for all of ourselves, for who we really are and not to have bits of us that we must keep hidden because they are unacceptable to someone else. That would be conditional love and what we should all be striving for in our relationships in unconditional love....not necessarily unconditional 'liking' or unconditional accepting of everything and anything, that's not realistic......ahh it's all so complicated isn't it and this was intended to be a simple chat .....I've gotten all adult on myself!!

To get back to my point, I'll just say a bit about TA because I wanted to introduce this to you, I think you may find it helpful if you're curious to gain more control in your communications with others. I know for me it was like a light bulb coming on! And I could at last literally see what was going on in me with certain people I connected to. And it always follows, before you can change something you got to understand what's happening....

What's your passion?

What are you passionate about? Lots of things? Nothing? Can't rise to feeling passionate about anything at the moment?

If the last one is you sweetie, talk to someone....do something about it!

Passion really is fuel for our spirit, it lights that fire within our breast that makes us feel like smiling and being active in our lives, no matter what the weather!

It's love, it's conviction, it's being connected to living beings.....it's what we all crave to feel whole and vital and the good news is.....it comes in all shapes and sizes! There's something or someone out there that's just the right fit for you....something that when you connect to it, or them, is going to set your spirit spinning with joy and purpose. It's your mission in life to find what that is, what fits you, and to grab it with both hands, kiss it full on the lips, with passion and most of all celebrate it! Life can be oh so short...none of us should waste a single day.

Life is for living and really living is about being passionate......kiss someone you love today, put your heart and soul into that one kiss and see what a difference it makes! And if you can't be there to kiss your chosen person, send them you love...make it sing with passion!! What have you got to lose?!

Write that song you've been working on for so so long....paint your dream...you see it so do it! Whatever it is that you love, that calls to you, find a way to embrace your passion today....your spirit will thank you!

Have a great and surprising day!
Bella 

The naked truth!

'Shower of Nectar' by Fassouli - Love love love it!

                                                http://www.rassouli.com/romantic2.htmI love the heavenly light in this image..simple and yet so powerful!   Do check out Rassouli's other images on his web site...he's beautiful story teller.  

A sensual pick me up - enjoy!

Let the music inspire you....love this, erotic, sensual vid...there's a time and a place for everything! Music's my favourite sort of therapy!

A perfect description of suffering.

" Suffering, as the aftermath of an unwelcome moral shock, aspires to change form: we hope to dispel it by making plans by seeking information; we want it to pass through its countless metamorphoses, for this requires less courage than keeping the suffering raw; we lie with our suffering as in a bed too narrow, too hard, and to cold."   Marcel Proust - The fugative. 

I must own,  I'm slowly slowly falling in love with Proust, my bedtime reading atm.

How well he says it! And so to therapy we go..... 'therapy' is therefore a means to assist one to change the form of ones suffering into something more bearable.

We all need a hand to hold sometimes

long distance lovin

 

My thoughts on Long distance long distance romance...

Long distance relationships, in my experience, (and I do have a lot of experience at this) are hard hard hard!! Hard on your budget, hard on your resources, and mostly hard on ur heart.............but they are doable and can be wonderful.....just not 24/7 kinda wonderful. There are upsides and downsides to this sort of arrangement. Depending on you and what works for you, a long distance relationship maybe worth considering, or it maybe something you should avoid before you fall head over heels in Love.

I guess the biggest issue in a long distance relationship is fidelity. You both need to have an understanding of what this will involve and be realistic about it. Can you both manage solo inbetween reunions or are you likely to need companionship? It's easy to say you'll cope when you're together, but if it's months inbetween physical connections it can be very hard to maintain for some people and trust is the key to any good relationship.....but espeically a long distance one.  Without trust, whatever the agreement there is bound to be an unbearable level of anxiety and this is not good for anyone's health, emotional or physical. I say whatever the arrangement excepting that everyone's different and some peoples terms of agreement maybe more permissable than others.

Communication is central to this relationship....it IS the relationship, for a good part of the time, whether on skype, txt, or phone......how you communicate, what you communicate and how effectively your communication meets each others needs will determine the sucess of your relationship. Keeping contact frequent and yet fresh is a challage so get creative. Just like in any relaitonship but x 10 at least. If you would dress up for your partner when your together you should try to do the same for your skype dates. Keepin it fresh and sassy keeps it alive!

My legacy......http://www.blackwolfpublications.com/   http://blackwolfpublications.blogspot.co.uk/

                                                                 to be continued....

some reasons to love and appreciate yourself.

                                http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Reasons-to-Love-and-Appreciate-Yourself/1

Bella's Big Picture: The Black Wolf Legacy

Bella's Big Picture: The Black Wolf Legacy: One day I was talking to my Grandmother about me, like we did on many ocassions. She was the only one I could talk to about me who would ...

Appreciate yourself! Who me?

Appreicate  - '  to recognise the full worth of',  'to be grateful for'... yes, this is a hard one to own isn't it? Be honest .... we're all well used to appreciating others for all sorts of things....their beauty, their talents, skills, intelligence, wealth, career, sucess, families...their hair even....handbags, shoes, cars, houses, furniture,...generally everything and anything about their lives we might appreciate and believe we recognise the full worth of....but not ourselves eh!

How many of you believe you recognise your own full worth? What did you feel grateful for today?.....I know it's not easy but it's so so important to get this one in perspective. The root to so much discontent, anxiety and general unhappiness is because of our unwillingness or inability to appreciate ourselves and our own lives.

We spend so much time and energy focused on what we feel bad about within ourselves, what we dislike about ourselves, what we believe others dislike in us....that we are our own worst friend.
What sort of a message do you think it gives our children and those around us if we don't even know our own worth and treat ourselves with due respect and care? My guess is it gives others permission to mistreat us, to under value us and to project onto us a lot of ugly stuff that isn't ours to own.

It also teaches those who are looking to us for leadership, that maybe they shouldn't appreciate themselves either.....that it's ok to sell ourselves cheaply.....I think we all know where that leads and it's not good.

No, we must try to appreciate ourselves, know our full worth and be grateful for who we are, and for the gift of life that we have. Help others by reminding them of their worth too! Especially our children. It's a gift that keeps giving, generation after generation. Knowing we have worth is essential to our self esteem....we all need to know we're loved and valuable and we need others to tell us!

Be humble yes, and remember there is always someone worse off than us..... but we don't do anyone any favours by bringing ourselves down to level out the competition just because it's more comfortable for them that way.

No! I say shine bright as you can.....be proud of yourself, accept your vulnerable, falible humanity and be grateful for each new oppportunity to make a new start. Love the life you have.....and if you don't, change it!

Here's a quote from Marianne Williamson that inspired me many years ago. I don't believe I have had my brightest hour yet....but we are all a work in progress!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Some more wise words you may find helpful.....

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Reasons-to-Love-and-Appreciate-Yourself/1

How to talk to your daughter about her body - article

The same can be said of Life!

The same can be said of life! Some people are content with a brochure others create an epic....what's yours going to be?

The power of your smile.

I really believe this...and it's such a simple thing to do...so why don't we do it more often? I don't know about you but I was brought up constantly being told 'don't stare!' I don't agree with this. We should make a habit of seeing each other, not avoiding social connection. Children look at people freely, they stare naturally...it's human, indeed humane to do look, to see... it's cultural to look away.

We've all been in the line at the grocery store, waiting, being stared at by a small child who's as yet to learn to avert their eyes....they look right into us...they see us! And they smile! You smile spontaneously and there's a dialog between you...a communication that goes straight to your heart!

That's the power of a smile, it's a gift and it is SO powerful it can change your mood in an instant. Try it! Instead of averting your eyes, see somebody....an elderly person perhaps, someone no one seems to notice anymore....take a second to recognise yourself in this person, God willing we will all be old one day. Offer a gentle smile and watch what happens.

I have been so touched at the hesitant smile that comes back to me from somebody who maybe lives their life without expectation of affection or care...they don't expect to be seen anymore, they're not pretty, or sassy...they're the disregarded, but for a brief moment they exist, they are visible, and you and they share a communion that is a gift to each. I am certain they will think on it as you part. I cannot imagine they will not feel better for the experience, you too!

Smiling through our pain isn't just a way of avoiding feeling our feelings it's a way to reach out and connect to others. It's an invitation to come out from our hiding place, to be seen and cared for.
We can all do this for each other, and so easily....try it today!

My thoughts exactly

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

You may like these paintings, I think they're gorgeous, energetic, spiritual images of women....maybe you'll find one to adopt for yourself.

http://www.newdawncollections.com/blog.htm
http://www.newdawncollections.com/home.htm

There's a lot you probably don't realise about yourself!

     https://www.facebook.com/TheHannaCollection

It's been my experience you really only believe this once you've proved it to yourself, till then you just gotta trust it to be true! And that's a hard one to trust, probably because chances are it's not relevant until you're facing a monumental trial in your own life.

I can honestly say it's true! In my darkest hours I have found strength within myself that I didn't know I had. As I think back over my early life I can see that I was always that strong person, she wasn't alien to me, she just hadn't been called on for a while and had been quiet...but she was always there within me.

When I rly needed her she was there waiting.........I called her my innner Bitch....she wasn't afraid to kick ass and do what she had to to protect and preserve, this is her natural role! She was unapologetically self motivated, driven by an instinctual desire to survive and protect. There was no hesitation to jump when needed and no battle she wasn't determined to win, by whatever means necessary! Together we overcame a great many difficulties. She remained with me until her work was done and it was time for her to retreat to allow me time to rest and heal.

Like all of us I have a story.....as you can probably guess, it's been challenging at times and it's shaped who I am and where I am now in my life and why I'm motivated to share these thoughts with you.

What I realised about myself, and what I hope I can share with you, is this sense that we are all multiple selves. That we all have lots of different aspects to our personalities, some strong, some soft and tender.....and each of these aspects of us has different strengths and capacities, different instincts and drivers, and when needed you can draw on these. You can call them up from within yourself and depend on them to get you through whatever situation you face. It all starts with a little self or (selves) belief.

I know believing isn't easy, especially if you've had a lifetime of being told you're not strong, not desirable, not sexy, not clever....you name it, I'm sure at times we've all felt we were inadequate in some way.

It suits some peoples agendas to maintain these negative self beliefs in us.  It's in their own best interests to weaken and limit you and your potential. They are protecting their own self interests by doing so, but this isn't ok and shouldn't be accepted as fact! No matter who's telling you these things. If they're not encouraging you to shine, then their words come from a dark place within themselves and have no relevance to your true self.

I'd say all women need to run free....some will be happier to run further from home than others...and that's ok! 

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype 

PAS ( Parental Alienation Syndrome) A heartbreaking Reality Check, something for us all to think about.

http://www.development.afamilysheartbreak.com/blog/

Reading through this material has been quite a journey for me.....as a divorced Mom myself, thinking about this subject from mine and my own children's experience, has shown me that we could all do with a little help in this area so that we might do a better job at minimising the self doubt and emotional torment that parental separation inevitably brings to us all who experince it, parents and kids alike. It was this paragraph that struck me personally....I'm sure lots of us can relate to it, if we're honest!

'How many of us announce we are taking the high road by saying, “I’ll never say anything bad about Mom/Dad,” but secretly want the child to say something bad instead? Maybe we need a little validation or reassurance. Whatever the reason, if you’re honest you’ll admit you’ll take whatever putdown your child is willing to offer.'

I really doubt there is a best case senario...the best hope we have is that we can try to lessen the fall out...but it is clear to me that this is probably THE most contentious and challenging experience we will face in our lives! The disolution of our partnership...and the subsequent relationship with our ex that we must maintain, for our children.There is no running away from this dilenma, even though you may REALLY REALLY want to!!

For more info and support for fathers and those interested in this debate -
Families need fathers
http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/

What do you think? Do you believe PAS in an actual syndrome...like 'stockholm syndrome' for instance? Because it would seem our family courts and the decision makers for our children don't yet believe it has sufficient validation in the UK. I'd love to know your views?!

I need to say that in cases of domestic abuse and harm, it is essential that you seek experienced support, both legal and emotional while you are working throught these difficult issues.

Domestic abuse by it's very nature undermines a person's capacity to judge a situation accurately...and it is always advisable in my mind that you have someone you can trust to talk things through with, whenever there may be potential safetey issues to consider,  and critical decisions to be made, for yourself and your children sake. 
 Need help? Here's a link to Women's Aid UK.
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ 

Bella's Big Picture: Nectar and Tea...such is my life.

Bella's Big Picture: Nectar and Tea...such is my life.: Do you ever wonder who you were before you were this you? For me sometimes, it's like the previous me has been erased almost, only reme...

Read Daniel Goleman's work, I highly recommend it! The science of human relationships...brilliant stuff!

Inspirational Guy! Love his work! Evidences all that we knew was happening instinctively but couldn't prove before!

Blog page info to be updated asap...come back and see!

I'll be filling in lots more of the missing info on my pages over the weekend...I'm an addict!! So do check back! I'd love to have some company...join me...got lots of ways to connect!

Not as easy as it sounds? Talk to someone, talk to me....whatever it is that's holding you back is preventing you having a whole lota fun!

Coping with loss...even a little loss can hurt a lot!

This is one of those massively diverse human experiences for which there is no simple quick solution anyone can offer to help make it better...loss sucks..it's painful and often difficult to come to terms with..period!

Obvously there are all sorts of losses...from loved ones to buttons! Some more profoundly life impacting than others...but this is entirely subjective. Even the littlest thing, if lost, because of our 'attachment' to it...the relationships, and memories that it connects us to, and the significance of these 'structures' within our psychi...can indeed have a major impact on our sense of self and wellbeing.

My experience today, losing my Gran's vintage silk scarf, given that she herself was only lost to me a little over a year ago...was nothing short of mildly traumatic....it had all the hallmarks of a very bad experince, depite the apparent insignificance of such an ordinary object.

As I said my Grandmother passed away, a year ago or so and I miss her dreadfully....so much more now than when I was living away in the States...knowing I can't see her, ever perhaps again is almost too awful a prospect for my poor self to hold so I skirt around it and keep her with me by wearing something of hers sometimes....it's ok, she was a very cool lady with classic great taste! Thought I should say that before you imagine me shuffling about in traditional Granny garb and slippers. I'm talking vintage accessories and jewlery, some very lovely things...

I get whimsical about all the little things we laughed at, even imagine how she would say 'don't be daft' when I told her I walked up and down the high street searching in tears for the scarf, 'oh that old thing' she'd say, 'come here darling, give me a cuddle',

Comforting though these memories are they take a lot of energy to maintain...to consciously keep alive .... and sometimes it's just too painful to see them float away like a smoke the second you awaken from the day dream...this is the gut twisting irony of grief.

This agonising pain is the recurring paradox we face in coping with grief and maintaining our vital attachments.  Keeping memories alive feels good, sometimes...but ultimately remind us of our loss.  To cut ourselves off from the pain by putting our grief away, disocciating ourselves from it, can also be helpful...sometimes but we lose the good bits too.....and the memories always return, reality returns....so you see, grief is a tough cycle to be in and it goes round and round and round....only time seems to lessen it's impact. Time and lots of love and understanding.

There are times when I may need to put my pain aside or I risk losing myself to a tide of saddness...I decide whether this is the time for a cry or if I can hold it and put it away for a while.

I can't lock up my emotions in a box, it's not that simple for me. So what I do is I take out another of my boxes, the one with all my ribbons, and paints, and supplies in....my metaphorical treasure chest.

This is a very special box!! I've had it since I was a child. My Grandmother and I made it together, decorated it and filled it with all sorts of childish treasures, but mostly with love and imagination.

This is my resource for my painful times and from it I create my memorials. This is what I do with my grief pain...I memorialise my lost treasure in some way, give it a life beyond the moment it was lost in.

It's a process of honouring my memories and feelings, and transforming them into something else that can hold them for me safely and in a postive light.  It maybe a picture, a quilt, a poem, a dream...some physical, some just as real to me and saved in my mind file.

In the case of the mysterious missing scarf I imagined the scarf, almost with a life of it's own, full of spirit like it's owner, floating of on the breeze without a care in the world, perhaps purposely, as my daughter said 'maybe it had gone to find GGrandma' ...I imagined the lady who found it, her smile as she recognised she had picked up a treasure...a gift. I imagined it would be something she would regard as lucky. A good day for her.  I imagined it traveling around the world rather like a cat, visiting one person then another, giving each joy...until one day I find it again in an Oxfam shop, or caught in amidst some roses in the park, waiting for me.....there's a children's book in that for sure!! I can see the pics now!

I have a very visual brain and this is a perfectly natural thing for me to do, the images flow easily and the story tells itself. This maynot feel like something you can do and there are many other ways to make memorials to our experiences. I'll come back to this and share some more ideas later.
Children have remarkably open, creative imaginations...given a little room to think, and a box of treasures to draw from...anything is possible.

I believe we all know instinctively much more about caring for ourselves than we realise if only we can tap into it. Sometimes it takes a Grandmother....or a friend...or a therapist to help us find our own way....this what it means to care for each other.