I believe this is absolutely the truth! I may not like to even remember some of the experiences I've had in my life... but if I look at it from the point of view a personal achievement and positive testament to my character and resilience that I survived ... even thrived despite them.....then I must say, in all honesty, it is these times, the hardest times, that have been the biggest shaping factor in my sense of who I am and what I believe myself to be worth. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to be brave, because I can now encourage others to be brave also, congruently!
How this is relevant to this particular converstaion between you and I, is that because of the risks I have taken, and the situations I overcame, I am here today, with a passion for helping others to be brave and live their lives to the max.
I believe as counsellors and therapists we have all sorts of idealistic notions about our capacity to be empathic, with which we over estimate our value. I don't think anything can subsitute for lived experience....it's a fundament reality that to be truly able to undertand anothers experience we need to have lived through similar challenges ourselves.
It is not enough to have an academic understanding of something...say domestic abuse. To have read all about it in books and journals only informs our minds, not our souls...we don't just connect with someone through our mind, we have to bring all of ourselves to the meeting! Academic qualification alone does not qualify one to say 'I know', only 'I understand'! Does this qualify us in the eyes of those seeking our help? I wonder? What do they really need from us?
There are some experiences that I sincerely believe only a woman can truly connect with, perhaps on a dna level... and even then, a woman with out experience can only get closer than a man...not alongside.
On many occasions this must suffice, but to really enter in, I know only experince opens the door. As many a victim said to me, dismissing me as an observer, closing her door expectantly........'what do you know!'...'what can YOU possibly know of my pain?!' ...when I answer 'I know!'...the door queitly swings open and I am let in...our souls embrace and we are sisters in mutual understanding. Words are unecessary, the qualification is trust! In the interest of fairness, I must say I believe this must be equally so for men, though I cannot speak for them, of course......pehaps some of you gentlemen checking this out would like to write in and expand the discussion!?
I don't believe there is a substitute for experience...it gets us closer to each other, it enables mutuality and true compassion. We care for the other, as we would be cared for. Some things you simply need to have lived through to 'understand'....but we can all sincerely care!
It interested me that it was Paulo Coelho that was saying this above...the only book of his that I have read was 'eleven minutes' ...in which he writes as a young woman, exploring love and her sexual identity.
I remember always hearing his male voice narating the story as I read it...I couldn't get past the fact that he was a man writing about a womans intimate experience...for me it didn't work! I was unable to stop that voice in my head that said ' bah...how does he know?!'..'.someone told him this stuff' ..it's all fiction! Of course it is....but I couldn't believe the story, it was incongruent to me, regardless of it's clever author's skill...he isn't a woman and can't speak for one... he can't speak for me so I'm afraid I dismissed it, and him. I wonder how many people have had this exact same experince with therapists?!
Ironic that it should be him making such a statement....but it gave me an interesting angle to chat about something I feel very strongly about ...so thanks Paulo you illustrated your own point, and mine, perfectly!!
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