A chatty conversational blog about social and emotional issues affecting us all today.
Friday 31 May 2013
Can't sleep?
This is a recurring curse for me.....maybe you too? My mind just won't switch off sometimes making a restful nights sleep an illusive dream itself.
I can't understate the importance of sleep to our wellbeing. Sleep deprivation is a killer - on energy levels, mood, academic performance and libido! Actually all our relationships suffer if we're tired!
Of course there are lots of remedies for this problem, sleeping tablets, herbal remedies, warm milk, soft music, sex......you name it I've tried them all except prescription sleeping pills, which I couldn't take once I'd read the warnings sheet which is typical of me! My problem's anxiety and overly active imagination, so give me a list of grusome possibilities and I'm guaranteed no rest!
We can
literally feel like a different person after a good nights rest. It's
the easiest thing in the world to take for granted till you experince
insomnia. There is a role therapy can play in helping to relax us and
contain our overactive thinking.
Here's what I do...
Losing ourselves in motherhood.
I'll come back to this in a bit......I thought I'd post it, I'm sure plenty of you will laugh and appreciate the truth of this one!
Mind, Body & Spirit - the human trinity
If you can think of this in terms of your relationships then it becomes really relevant to all of us. The quality of our relationships directly affects how we perceive ourselves, whether we feel valued and loved, whether we're resilient emotionally and have a healthy self esteem. If we can adjust our thinking to enable us to access good relationships, with people can appreciate us it's gotta be worth looking at this side of ourselves.
For me any change within ourselves involves our MIND, BODY & SPIRIT - the human trinity.
To affect the most powerful, meaningful progress toward your goals it is fundamental to engage all three elements of yourself in the task. You cannot truly move freely in any direction without an acceptance of your whole self.
This is what therapy offers us all, the opportunity to discover and unite our whole selves and ultimately become a closer representation of our potential - we individuate and self actualise.
If you're not sure what this all means, no worries, I'm going to be putting together pages covering these ideas, with tips for working with them that you can use at home.
Wednesday 29 May 2013
Embrace your shadow
Carl Jung
You may not have heard of Debbie Ford, I just learned she died in February this year...that's so sad she was only 55. Anyhow she wrote a book called 'Dark Side of the Light Chasers' , a book about learning to know and accept our dark side - our shadow.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dark-Side-Light-Chasers-Reclaiming/dp/0340819057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369839747&sr=8-1&keywords=dark+side+of+the+light+chasers
I loved this book, found it intriguing and illuminating. I am a fan of Jungian psychology as you may have guessed...for me it helps me to 'see' things much more clearly...so I can understand and apply these principals in my own life, in my own language. After all, understanding should be universally accessible, and intelligible, not purly the domain of academics....there are many ways to know something!
Those things we most dislike, condemn and judge in others are invariable aspects of ourselves that we have difficulty accepting. We all have a dark side, a shadow self....it's natural and necessary, just as we have light we have shadow....we are yin and yang.
"To confront a person with their own shadow is to show them their own light"
Carl Jung
Love your child.
Our inner child self, is that part of us that's fun, energetic, exciting, inquiring, innocent, uninhibited, naive, boundlessly joyful, creative, enchanting, spiritual, loving, accepting, generous, open minded, ageless! These are just some of the attributes I see in my own child self, you have them too......mine can also be stubborn, irrational, demanding, selfish, self absorbed and thoroughly trying for somebody not in love with me!
The key is to be loved and accepted for all of ourselves, for who we really are and not to have bits of us that we must keep hidden because they are unacceptable to someone else. That would be conditional love and what we should all be striving for in our relationships in unconditional love....not necessarily unconditional 'liking' or unconditional accepting of everything and anything, that's not realistic......ahh it's all so complicated isn't it and this was intended to be a simple chat .....I've gotten all adult on myself!!
To get back to my point, I'll just say a bit about TA because I wanted to introduce this to you, I think you may find it helpful if you're curious to gain more control in your communications with others. I know for me it was like a light bulb coming on! And I could at last literally see what was going on in me with certain people I connected to. And it always follows, before you can change something you got to understand what's happening....
What's your passion?
If the last one is you sweetie, talk to someone....do something about it!
Passion really is fuel for our spirit, it lights that fire within our breast that makes us feel like smiling and being active in our lives, no matter what the weather!
It's love, it's conviction, it's being connected to living beings.....it's what we all crave to feel whole and vital and the good news is.....it comes in all shapes and sizes! There's something or someone out there that's just the right fit for you....something that when you connect to it, or them, is going to set your spirit spinning with joy and purpose. It's your mission in life to find what that is, what fits you, and to grab it with both hands, kiss it full on the lips, with passion and most of all celebrate it! Life can be oh so short...none of us should waste a single day.
Life is for living and really living is about being passionate......kiss someone you love today, put your heart and soul into that one kiss and see what a difference it makes! And if you can't be there to kiss your chosen person, send them you love...make it sing with passion!! What have you got to lose?!
Write that song you've been working on for so so long....paint your dream...you see it so do it! Whatever it is that you love, that calls to you, find a way to embrace your passion today....your spirit will thank you!
Have a great and surprising day!
Bella
Tuesday 28 May 2013
'Shower of Nectar' by Fassouli - Love love love it!
Monday 27 May 2013
A sensual pick me up - enjoy!
A perfect description of suffering.
" Suffering, as the aftermath of an unwelcome moral shock, aspires to change form: we hope to dispel it by making plans by seeking information; we want it to pass through its countless metamorphoses, for this requires less courage than keeping the suffering raw; we lie with our suffering as in a bed too narrow, too hard, and to cold." Marcel Proust - The fugative.
I must own, I'm slowly slowly falling in love with Proust, my bedtime reading atm.
How well he says it! And so to therapy we go..... 'therapy' is therefore a means to assist one to change the form of ones suffering into something more bearable.
I must own, I'm slowly slowly falling in love with Proust, my bedtime reading atm.
How well he says it! And so to therapy we go..... 'therapy' is therefore a means to assist one to change the form of ones suffering into something more bearable.
Sunday 26 May 2013
long distance lovin
My thoughts on Long distance long distance romance...
I guess the biggest issue in a long distance relationship is fidelity. You both need to have an understanding of what this will involve and be realistic about it. Can you both manage solo inbetween reunions or are you likely to need companionship? It's easy to say you'll cope when you're together, but if it's months inbetween physical connections it can be very hard to maintain for some people and trust is the key to any good relationship.....but espeically a long distance one. Without trust, whatever the agreement there is bound to be an unbearable level of anxiety and this is not good for anyone's health, emotional or physical. I say whatever the arrangement excepting that everyone's different and some peoples terms of agreement maybe more permissable than others.
Communication is central to this relationship....it IS the relationship, for a good part of the time, whether on skype, txt, or phone......how you communicate, what you communicate and how effectively your communication meets each others needs will determine the sucess of your relationship. Keeping contact frequent and yet fresh is a challage so get creative. Just like in any relaitonship but x 10 at least. If you would dress up for your partner when your together you should try to do the same for your skype dates. Keepin it fresh and sassy keeps it alive!
Saturday 25 May 2013
to be continued....
Bella's Big Picture: The Black Wolf Legacy
Bella's Big Picture: The Black Wolf Legacy: One day I was talking to my Grandmother about me, like we did on many ocassions. She was the only one I could talk to about me who would ...
Friday 24 May 2013
Appreciate yourself! Who me?
Appreicate - ' to recognise the full worth of', 'to be grateful for'... yes, this is a hard one to own isn't it? Be honest .... we're all well used to appreciating others for all sorts of things....their beauty, their talents, skills, intelligence, wealth, career, sucess, families...their hair even....handbags, shoes, cars, houses, furniture,...generally everything and anything about their lives we might appreciate and believe we recognise the full worth of....but not ourselves eh!
How many of you believe you recognise your own full worth? What did you feel grateful for today?.....I know it's not easy but it's so so important to get this one in perspective. The root to so much discontent, anxiety and general unhappiness is because of our unwillingness or inability to appreciate ourselves and our own lives.
We spend so much time and energy focused on what we feel bad about within ourselves, what we dislike about ourselves, what we believe others dislike in us....that we are our own worst friend.
What sort of a message do you think it gives our children and those around us if we don't even know our own worth and treat ourselves with due respect and care? My guess is it gives others permission to mistreat us, to under value us and to project onto us a lot of ugly stuff that isn't ours to own.
It also teaches those who are looking to us for leadership, that maybe they shouldn't appreciate themselves either.....that it's ok to sell ourselves cheaply.....I think we all know where that leads and it's not good.
No, we must try to appreciate ourselves, know our full worth and be grateful for who we are, and for the gift of life that we have. Help others by reminding them of their worth too! Especially our children. It's a gift that keeps giving, generation after generation. Knowing we have worth is essential to our self esteem....we all need to know we're loved and valuable and we need others to tell us!
Be humble yes, and remember there is always someone worse off than us..... but we don't do anyone any favours by bringing ourselves down to level out the competition just because it's more comfortable for them that way.
No! I say shine bright as you can.....be proud of yourself, accept your vulnerable, falible humanity and be grateful for each new oppportunity to make a new start. Love the life you have.....and if you don't, change it!
Here's a quote from Marianne Williamson that inspired me many years ago. I don't believe I have had my brightest hour yet....but we are all a work in progress!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Some more wise words you may find helpful.....
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Reasons-to-Love-and-Appreciate-Yourself/1
How to talk to your daughter about her body - article
The same can be said of Life!
The power of your smile.
We've all been in the line at the grocery store, waiting, being stared at by a small child who's as yet to learn to avert their eyes....they look right into us...they see us! And they smile! You smile spontaneously and there's a dialog between you...a communication that goes straight to your heart!
That's the power of a smile, it's a gift and it is SO powerful it can change your mood in an instant. Try it! Instead of averting your eyes, see somebody....an elderly person perhaps, someone no one seems to notice anymore....take a second to recognise yourself in this person, God willing we will all be old one day. Offer a gentle smile and watch what happens.
I have been so touched at the hesitant smile that comes back to me from somebody who maybe lives their life without expectation of affection or care...they don't expect to be seen anymore, they're not pretty, or sassy...they're the disregarded, but for a brief moment they exist, they are visible, and you and they share a communion that is a gift to each. I am certain they will think on it as you part. I cannot imagine they will not feel better for the experience, you too!
Smiling through our pain isn't just a way of avoiding feeling our feelings it's a way to reach out and connect to others. It's an invitation to come out from our hiding place, to be seen and cared for.
We can all do this for each other, and so easily....try it today!
My thoughts exactly
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of
stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Thursday 23 May 2013
You may like these paintings, I think they're gorgeous, energetic, spiritual images of women....maybe you'll find one to adopt for yourself.
http://www.newdawncollections.com/blog.htm
http://www.newdawncollections.com/home.htm
There's a lot you probably don't realise about yourself!
It's been my experience you really only believe this once you've proved it to yourself, till then you just gotta trust it to be true! And that's a hard one to trust, probably because chances are it's not relevant until you're facing a monumental trial in your own life.
I can honestly say it's true! In my darkest hours I have found strength within myself that I didn't know I had. As I think back over my early life I can see that I was always that strong person, she wasn't alien to me, she just hadn't been called on for a while and had been quiet...but she was always there within me.
When I rly needed her she was there waiting.........I called her my innner Bitch....she wasn't afraid to kick ass and do what she had to to protect and preserve, this is her natural role! She was unapologetically self motivated, driven by an instinctual desire to survive and protect. There was no hesitation to jump when needed and no battle she wasn't determined to win, by whatever means necessary! Together we overcame a great many difficulties. She remained with me until her work was done and it was time for her to retreat to allow me time to rest and heal.
Like all of us I have a story.....as you can probably guess, it's been challenging at times and it's shaped who I am and where I am now in my life and why I'm motivated to share these thoughts with you.
What I realised about myself, and what I hope I can share with you, is this sense that we are all multiple selves. That we all have lots of different aspects to our personalities, some strong, some soft and tender.....and each of these aspects of us has different strengths and capacities, different instincts and drivers, and when needed you can draw on these. You can call them up from within yourself and depend on them to get you through whatever situation you face. It all starts with a little self or (selves) belief.
I know believing isn't easy, especially if you've had a lifetime of being told you're not strong, not desirable, not sexy, not clever....you name it, I'm sure at times we've all felt we were inadequate in some way.
It suits some peoples agendas to maintain these negative self beliefs in us. It's in their own best interests to weaken and limit you and your potential. They are protecting their own self interests by doing so, but this isn't ok and shouldn't be accepted as fact! No matter who's telling you these things. If they're not encouraging you to shine, then their words come from a dark place within themselves and have no relevance to your true self.
“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
Sunday 19 May 2013
PAS ( Parental Alienation Syndrome) A heartbreaking Reality Check, something for us all to think about.
http://www.development.afamilysheartbreak.com/blog/
Reading through this material has been quite a journey for me.....as a divorced Mom myself, thinking about this subject from mine and my own children's experience, has shown me that we could all do with a little help in this area so that we might do a better job at minimising the self doubt and emotional torment that parental separation inevitably brings to us all who experince it, parents and kids alike. It was this paragraph that struck me personally....I'm sure lots of us can relate to it, if we're honest!
'How many of us announce we are taking the high road by saying, “I’ll never say anything bad about Mom/Dad,” but secretly want the child to say something bad instead? Maybe we need a little validation or reassurance. Whatever the reason, if you’re honest you’ll admit you’ll take whatever putdown your child is willing to offer.'
I really doubt there is a best case senario...the best hope we have is that we can try to lessen the fall out...but it is clear to me that this is probably THE most contentious and challenging experience we will face in our lives! The disolution of our partnership...and the subsequent relationship with our ex that we must maintain, for our children.There is no running away from this dilenma, even though you may REALLY REALLY want to!!
For more info and support for fathers and those interested in this debate -
Families need fathers
http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/
What do you think? Do you believe PAS in an actual syndrome...like 'stockholm syndrome' for instance? Because it would seem our family courts and the decision makers for our children don't yet believe it has sufficient validation in the UK. I'd love to know your views?!
I need to say that in cases of domestic abuse and harm, it is essential that you seek experienced support, both legal and emotional while you are working throught these difficult issues.
Domestic abuse by it's very nature undermines a person's capacity to judge a situation accurately...and it is always advisable in my mind that you have someone you can trust to talk things through with, whenever there may be potential safetey issues to consider, and critical decisions to be made, for yourself and your children sake.
Need help? Here's a link to Women's Aid UK.
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Reading through this material has been quite a journey for me.....as a divorced Mom myself, thinking about this subject from mine and my own children's experience, has shown me that we could all do with a little help in this area so that we might do a better job at minimising the self doubt and emotional torment that parental separation inevitably brings to us all who experince it, parents and kids alike. It was this paragraph that struck me personally....I'm sure lots of us can relate to it, if we're honest!
'How many of us announce we are taking the high road by saying, “I’ll never say anything bad about Mom/Dad,” but secretly want the child to say something bad instead? Maybe we need a little validation or reassurance. Whatever the reason, if you’re honest you’ll admit you’ll take whatever putdown your child is willing to offer.'
I really doubt there is a best case senario...the best hope we have is that we can try to lessen the fall out...but it is clear to me that this is probably THE most contentious and challenging experience we will face in our lives! The disolution of our partnership...and the subsequent relationship with our ex that we must maintain, for our children.There is no running away from this dilenma, even though you may REALLY REALLY want to!!
For more info and support for fathers and those interested in this debate -
Families need fathers
http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/
What do you think? Do you believe PAS in an actual syndrome...like 'stockholm syndrome' for instance? Because it would seem our family courts and the decision makers for our children don't yet believe it has sufficient validation in the UK. I'd love to know your views?!
I need to say that in cases of domestic abuse and harm, it is essential that you seek experienced support, both legal and emotional while you are working throught these difficult issues.
Domestic abuse by it's very nature undermines a person's capacity to judge a situation accurately...and it is always advisable in my mind that you have someone you can trust to talk things through with, whenever there may be potential safetey issues to consider, and critical decisions to be made, for yourself and your children sake.
Need help? Here's a link to Women's Aid UK.
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Saturday 18 May 2013
Bella's Big Picture: Nectar and Tea...such is my life.
Bella's Big Picture: Nectar and Tea...such is my life.: Do you ever wonder who you were before you were this you? For me sometimes, it's like the previous me has been erased almost, only reme...
Friday 17 May 2013
Blog page info to be updated asap...come back and see!
I'll be filling in lots more of the missing info on my pages over the weekend...I'm an addict!! So do check back! I'd love to have some company...join me...got lots of ways to connect!
Thursday 16 May 2013
Coping with loss...even a little loss can hurt a lot!
This is one of those massively diverse human experiences for which there is no simple quick solution anyone can offer to help make it better...loss sucks..it's painful and often difficult to come to terms with..period!
Obvously there are all sorts of losses...from loved ones to buttons! Some more profoundly life impacting than others...but this is entirely subjective. Even the littlest thing, if lost, because of our 'attachment' to it...the relationships, and memories that it connects us to, and the significance of these 'structures' within our psychi...can indeed have a major impact on our sense of self and wellbeing.
My experience today, losing my Gran's vintage silk scarf, given that she herself was only lost to me a little over a year ago...was nothing short of mildly traumatic....it had all the hallmarks of a very bad experince, depite the apparent insignificance of such an ordinary object.
As I said my Grandmother passed away, a year ago or so and I miss her dreadfully....so much more now than when I was living away in the States...knowing I can't see her, ever perhaps again is almost too awful a prospect for my poor self to hold so I skirt around it and keep her with me by wearing something of hers sometimes....it's ok, she was a very cool lady with classic great taste! Thought I should say that before you imagine me shuffling about in traditional Granny garb and slippers. I'm talking vintage accessories and jewlery, some very lovely things...
I get whimsical about all the little things we laughed at, even imagine how she would say 'don't be daft' when I told her I walked up and down the high street searching in tears for the scarf, 'oh that old thing' she'd say, 'come here darling, give me a cuddle',
Comforting though these memories are they take a lot of energy to maintain...to consciously keep alive .... and sometimes it's just too painful to see them float away like a smoke the second you awaken from the day dream...this is the gut twisting irony of grief.
This agonising pain is the recurring paradox we face in coping with grief and maintaining our vital attachments. Keeping memories alive feels good, sometimes...but ultimately remind us of our loss. To cut ourselves off from the pain by putting our grief away, disocciating ourselves from it, can also be helpful...sometimes but we lose the good bits too.....and the memories always return, reality returns....so you see, grief is a tough cycle to be in and it goes round and round and round....only time seems to lessen it's impact. Time and lots of love and understanding.
There are times when I may need to put my pain aside or I risk losing myself to a tide of saddness...I decide whether this is the time for a cry or if I can hold it and put it away for a while.
I can't lock up my emotions in a box, it's not that simple for me. So what I do is I take out another of my boxes, the one with all my ribbons, and paints, and supplies in....my metaphorical treasure chest.
This is a very special box!! I've had it since I was a child. My Grandmother and I made it together, decorated it and filled it with all sorts of childish treasures, but mostly with love and imagination.
This is my resource for my painful times and from it I create my memorials. This is what I do with my grief pain...I memorialise my lost treasure in some way, give it a life beyond the moment it was lost in.
It's a process of honouring my memories and feelings, and transforming them into something else that can hold them for me safely and in a postive light. It maybe a picture, a quilt, a poem, a dream...some physical, some just as real to me and saved in my mind file.
In the case of the mysterious missing scarf I imagined the scarf, almost with a life of it's own, full of spirit like it's owner, floating of on the breeze without a care in the world, perhaps purposely, as my daughter said 'maybe it had gone to find GGrandma' ...I imagined the lady who found it, her smile as she recognised she had picked up a treasure...a gift. I imagined it would be something she would regard as lucky. A good day for her. I imagined it traveling around the world rather like a cat, visiting one person then another, giving each joy...until one day I find it again in an Oxfam shop, or caught in amidst some roses in the park, waiting for me.....there's a children's book in that for sure!! I can see the pics now!
I have a very visual brain and this is a perfectly natural thing for me to do, the images flow easily and the story tells itself. This maynot feel like something you can do and there are many other ways to make memorials to our experiences. I'll come back to this and share some more ideas later.
Children have remarkably open, creative imaginations...given a little room to think, and a box of treasures to draw from...anything is possible.
I believe we all know instinctively much more about caring for ourselves than we realise if only we can tap into it. Sometimes it takes a Grandmother....or a friend...or a therapist to help us find our own way....this what it means to care for each other.
Obvously there are all sorts of losses...from loved ones to buttons! Some more profoundly life impacting than others...but this is entirely subjective. Even the littlest thing, if lost, because of our 'attachment' to it...the relationships, and memories that it connects us to, and the significance of these 'structures' within our psychi...can indeed have a major impact on our sense of self and wellbeing.
My experience today, losing my Gran's vintage silk scarf, given that she herself was only lost to me a little over a year ago...was nothing short of mildly traumatic....it had all the hallmarks of a very bad experince, depite the apparent insignificance of such an ordinary object.
As I said my Grandmother passed away, a year ago or so and I miss her dreadfully....so much more now than when I was living away in the States...knowing I can't see her, ever perhaps again is almost too awful a prospect for my poor self to hold so I skirt around it and keep her with me by wearing something of hers sometimes....it's ok, she was a very cool lady with classic great taste! Thought I should say that before you imagine me shuffling about in traditional Granny garb and slippers. I'm talking vintage accessories and jewlery, some very lovely things...
I get whimsical about all the little things we laughed at, even imagine how she would say 'don't be daft' when I told her I walked up and down the high street searching in tears for the scarf, 'oh that old thing' she'd say, 'come here darling, give me a cuddle',
Comforting though these memories are they take a lot of energy to maintain...to consciously keep alive .... and sometimes it's just too painful to see them float away like a smoke the second you awaken from the day dream...this is the gut twisting irony of grief.
This agonising pain is the recurring paradox we face in coping with grief and maintaining our vital attachments. Keeping memories alive feels good, sometimes...but ultimately remind us of our loss. To cut ourselves off from the pain by putting our grief away, disocciating ourselves from it, can also be helpful...sometimes but we lose the good bits too.....and the memories always return, reality returns....so you see, grief is a tough cycle to be in and it goes round and round and round....only time seems to lessen it's impact. Time and lots of love and understanding.
There are times when I may need to put my pain aside or I risk losing myself to a tide of saddness...I decide whether this is the time for a cry or if I can hold it and put it away for a while.
I can't lock up my emotions in a box, it's not that simple for me. So what I do is I take out another of my boxes, the one with all my ribbons, and paints, and supplies in....my metaphorical treasure chest.
This is a very special box!! I've had it since I was a child. My Grandmother and I made it together, decorated it and filled it with all sorts of childish treasures, but mostly with love and imagination.
This is my resource for my painful times and from it I create my memorials. This is what I do with my grief pain...I memorialise my lost treasure in some way, give it a life beyond the moment it was lost in.
It's a process of honouring my memories and feelings, and transforming them into something else that can hold them for me safely and in a postive light. It maybe a picture, a quilt, a poem, a dream...some physical, some just as real to me and saved in my mind file.
In the case of the mysterious missing scarf I imagined the scarf, almost with a life of it's own, full of spirit like it's owner, floating of on the breeze without a care in the world, perhaps purposely, as my daughter said 'maybe it had gone to find GGrandma' ...I imagined the lady who found it, her smile as she recognised she had picked up a treasure...a gift. I imagined it would be something she would regard as lucky. A good day for her. I imagined it traveling around the world rather like a cat, visiting one person then another, giving each joy...until one day I find it again in an Oxfam shop, or caught in amidst some roses in the park, waiting for me.....there's a children's book in that for sure!! I can see the pics now!
I have a very visual brain and this is a perfectly natural thing for me to do, the images flow easily and the story tells itself. This maynot feel like something you can do and there are many other ways to make memorials to our experiences. I'll come back to this and share some more ideas later.
Children have remarkably open, creative imaginations...given a little room to think, and a box of treasures to draw from...anything is possible.
I believe we all know instinctively much more about caring for ourselves than we realise if only we can tap into it. Sometimes it takes a Grandmother....or a friend...or a therapist to help us find our own way....this what it means to care for each other.
Wednesday 15 May 2013
Nothing can Substitute experience!
I believe this is absolutely the truth! I may not like to even remember some of the experiences I've had in my life... but if I look at it from the point of view a personal achievement and positive testament to my character and resilience that I survived ... even thrived despite them.....then I must say, in all honesty, it is these times, the hardest times, that have been the biggest shaping factor in my sense of who I am and what I believe myself to be worth. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to be brave, because I can now encourage others to be brave also, congruently!
How this is relevant to this particular converstaion between you and I, is that because of the risks I have taken, and the situations I overcame, I am here today, with a passion for helping others to be brave and live their lives to the max.
I believe as counsellors and therapists we have all sorts of idealistic notions about our capacity to be empathic, with which we over estimate our value. I don't think anything can subsitute for lived experience....it's a fundament reality that to be truly able to undertand anothers experience we need to have lived through similar challenges ourselves.
It is not enough to have an academic understanding of something...say domestic abuse. To have read all about it in books and journals only informs our minds, not our souls...we don't just connect with someone through our mind, we have to bring all of ourselves to the meeting! Academic qualification alone does not qualify one to say 'I know', only 'I understand'! Does this qualify us in the eyes of those seeking our help? I wonder? What do they really need from us?
There are some experiences that I sincerely believe only a woman can truly connect with, perhaps on a dna level... and even then, a woman with out experience can only get closer than a man...not alongside.
On many occasions this must suffice, but to really enter in, I know only experince opens the door. As many a victim said to me, dismissing me as an observer, closing her door expectantly........'what do you know!'...'what can YOU possibly know of my pain?!' ...when I answer 'I know!'...the door queitly swings open and I am let in...our souls embrace and we are sisters in mutual understanding. Words are unecessary, the qualification is trust! In the interest of fairness, I must say I believe this must be equally so for men, though I cannot speak for them, of course......pehaps some of you gentlemen checking this out would like to write in and expand the discussion!?
I don't believe there is a substitute for experience...it gets us closer to each other, it enables mutuality and true compassion. We care for the other, as we would be cared for. Some things you simply need to have lived through to 'understand'....but we can all sincerely care!
It interested me that it was Paulo Coelho that was saying this above...the only book of his that I have read was 'eleven minutes' ...in which he writes as a young woman, exploring love and her sexual identity.
I remember always hearing his male voice narating the story as I read it...I couldn't get past the fact that he was a man writing about a womans intimate experience...for me it didn't work! I was unable to stop that voice in my head that said ' bah...how does he know?!'..'.someone told him this stuff' ..it's all fiction! Of course it is....but I couldn't believe the story, it was incongruent to me, regardless of it's clever author's skill...he isn't a woman and can't speak for one... he can't speak for me so I'm afraid I dismissed it, and him. I wonder how many people have had this exact same experince with therapists?!
Ironic that it should be him making such a statement....but it gave me an interesting angle to chat about something I feel very strongly about ...so thanks Paulo you illustrated your own point, and mine, perfectly!!
Tuesday 14 May 2013
Sunday 12 May 2013
Self Efficacy and Self Esteem
I was just reading an article on women's self esteem...a topic ever in my mind being a mama of daughters, as many of you are I'm sure....I've just realised it's so much easier to say we're thinking of others needs rather than our own isn't it....Hah, as if my self esteem is so robust this couldn't apply to me.. I'd be lying!
Let's be honest, it only takes a shopping trip into town with my daughters to send my sense of self self running for the hills, fully clothed!!! Ten minutes in a cramped New Look changing room is enough to shatter my self esteem for the rest of the day, and put an unhealthy dent in my gorgeous daughters too!
Luckily I'm receptive to a latte pick me up and an almond slice but you get my point....stripped to our undies, under the unforgiving glare of flourescent lights, in a 3 ft sq cubicle with panoramic mirrors, even my lovely daughters notice dimples they didn't know they had and recoil in horror! What hope do us ladies of status have?
Well it appears we are spending too much time looking in the wrong mirrors! Focusing too much on our bodies, our self image, and depending on this for affirmation of our worth, rather than looking to other areas of our lives and achievements for positive feedback.
"while body image is important, it is only one of the things that affects self-esteem. So we help women gain confidence in their parenting skills, jobs, relationships and ability to meet their aspirations, working with them to take control of all aspects of their lives, not just what they eat and how they look."http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/30/esteem-key-womens-mental-health
Of course in theory like you I know this...but what it made me realise is that with the ever rising prevalance of eating disorders in our societies, particularly amoung young women, there is quite possibly more we need to be doing to help women feel accomplished and self assured in key areas of their lives, so that they don't feel the only area they can exercise control, is in their eating and appearance as the aritcle suggests.......
And I have to wonder why don't women have confidence in their parenting skills, and a sense of control in their jobs, and relationships, and their own capacity to fulfill their dreams?
Is this a new phenomena? Is it a reflection on the breaking down of traditional gender roles which reinforced the value of house keeping for example, and motherhood?
If eating disorders and fragile self esteem are a consequence of a lack of self efficacy and sense of control in women's lives in general, what part has society had to play in this? Was it ever any different? Has feminism helped or hindered women's self esteem? I realise this is a controversial question? But perhaps the answer isn't so simple after all!? Are we paying too high a price for social progress? Have women always looked at their naked bodies with self loathing? As far as I'm aware women have never before been expected to look good naked, except in the subjective eyes of their partners...is it putting too much pressure on us, on our emotional health? Where is the root of this problem, where is the pressure really coming from....and what can we do about it?
As a therapist I have to ask myself these important questions...as a mother I have to make it my duty to find answers!
Let's be honest, it only takes a shopping trip into town with my daughters to send my sense of self self running for the hills, fully clothed!!! Ten minutes in a cramped New Look changing room is enough to shatter my self esteem for the rest of the day, and put an unhealthy dent in my gorgeous daughters too!
Luckily I'm receptive to a latte pick me up and an almond slice but you get my point....stripped to our undies, under the unforgiving glare of flourescent lights, in a 3 ft sq cubicle with panoramic mirrors, even my lovely daughters notice dimples they didn't know they had and recoil in horror! What hope do us ladies of status have?
Well it appears we are spending too much time looking in the wrong mirrors! Focusing too much on our bodies, our self image, and depending on this for affirmation of our worth, rather than looking to other areas of our lives and achievements for positive feedback.
"while body image is important, it is only one of the things that affects self-esteem. So we help women gain confidence in their parenting skills, jobs, relationships and ability to meet their aspirations, working with them to take control of all aspects of their lives, not just what they eat and how they look."http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/30/esteem-key-womens-mental-health
Of course in theory like you I know this...but what it made me realise is that with the ever rising prevalance of eating disorders in our societies, particularly amoung young women, there is quite possibly more we need to be doing to help women feel accomplished and self assured in key areas of their lives, so that they don't feel the only area they can exercise control, is in their eating and appearance as the aritcle suggests.......
And I have to wonder why don't women have confidence in their parenting skills, and a sense of control in their jobs, and relationships, and their own capacity to fulfill their dreams?
Is this a new phenomena? Is it a reflection on the breaking down of traditional gender roles which reinforced the value of house keeping for example, and motherhood?
If eating disorders and fragile self esteem are a consequence of a lack of self efficacy and sense of control in women's lives in general, what part has society had to play in this? Was it ever any different? Has feminism helped or hindered women's self esteem? I realise this is a controversial question? But perhaps the answer isn't so simple after all!? Are we paying too high a price for social progress? Have women always looked at their naked bodies with self loathing? As far as I'm aware women have never before been expected to look good naked, except in the subjective eyes of their partners...is it putting too much pressure on us, on our emotional health? Where is the root of this problem, where is the pressure really coming from....and what can we do about it?
As a therapist I have to ask myself these important questions...as a mother I have to make it my duty to find answers!
Being normal is subjective!
Did you ever stop to question what is 'normal' anyway? Who says?
Seems to me we spent too much of our time comparing ourselves to others in the hope of being 'normal' like everyone else...to fit in....well I'm not convinced anyone else's 'normal' would fit me!
I would encourge you to consider what you regard as normal for you...and please yourself! You can spend your whole lifetime trying to fit other people's idea's of what you 'should' be and never feel like you get it quite right. So why bother?! Aim to please you and you're far more likely to suceed!
Thought for the day....BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND....take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and move onto tomorrow with a hopeful heart and a positive attitude.
There's not a one of those folks you're busy admiring that hasn't screwed up...they just hide it well!
We all live in fear of exposure so we hide our selves well behind others! We're afraid to stand out incase someone really sees us for who we actually are and judges us unacceptable.
Make friends with yourself...be kind when you listen to your story...as you would be for others who were brave enough to share their vulnerabilties with you. Love yourself a little bit more, as you would a young child who knew they had messed up and feared your rejection....you would take them into your arms and love away their anxiety, reassure them that everyone makes mistakes when they're learning new skills. Reassure yourself that it's ok to make mistakes, you ARE learning new skills! Learning to live through this life, day by day....it's all new territory! After all, how many of us can remember being here before? Didn't think so!
Do something nice for yourself today...treat yourself to something, enjoy it, savour it....and be thankfor for a fresh tomorrow.
Seems to me we spent too much of our time comparing ourselves to others in the hope of being 'normal' like everyone else...to fit in....well I'm not convinced anyone else's 'normal' would fit me!
I would encourge you to consider what you regard as normal for you...and please yourself! You can spend your whole lifetime trying to fit other people's idea's of what you 'should' be and never feel like you get it quite right. So why bother?! Aim to please you and you're far more likely to suceed!
Thought for the day....BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND....take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and move onto tomorrow with a hopeful heart and a positive attitude.
There's not a one of those folks you're busy admiring that hasn't screwed up...they just hide it well!
We all live in fear of exposure so we hide our selves well behind others! We're afraid to stand out incase someone really sees us for who we actually are and judges us unacceptable.
Make friends with yourself...be kind when you listen to your story...as you would be for others who were brave enough to share their vulnerabilties with you. Love yourself a little bit more, as you would a young child who knew they had messed up and feared your rejection....you would take them into your arms and love away their anxiety, reassure them that everyone makes mistakes when they're learning new skills. Reassure yourself that it's ok to make mistakes, you ARE learning new skills! Learning to live through this life, day by day....it's all new territory! After all, how many of us can remember being here before? Didn't think so!
Do something nice for yourself today...treat yourself to something, enjoy it, savour it....and be thankfor for a fresh tomorrow.
Friday 10 May 2013
An Inspirational journey into self discovery - enjoy ladies!!
When I was doing my training we were given reading lists....being me I couldn't be told what to read so I found my own books...my 'passion books' as I called them and over the years collated my own reading list...This fabulous book has remained a part of my psychi ever since I found my copy in my local used book shop, purely by chance....
It was one of those meant to find books that you'll understand if you're an avid reader like myself. And as a visual thinker it suited me as though it was written for me.
A wild woman since I was tiny...I have been struggling against myself it seemed, against what I was told was so... unable to conform, unable to sit still, always wanting to dance and shout...always challenging everything....to find myself in the pages of this book enabled me to begin to accept who I really am, and to embrace my differences with pride and excitement...for the life of a wild woman is anything but dull!!
I hope you find it at the very least a thoughtful read...your daughters might be wild women too!
When I was doing my training we were given reading lists....being me I couldn't be told what to read so I found my own books...my 'passion books' as I called them and over the years collated my own reading list...This fabulous book has remained a part of my psychi ever since I found my copy in my local used book shop, purely by chance....
It was one of those meant to find books that you'll understand if you're an avid reader like myself. And as a visual thinker it suited me as though it was written for me.
A wild woman since I was tiny...I have been struggling against myself it seemed, against what I was told was so... unable to conform, unable to sit still, always wanting to dance and shout...always challenging everything....to find myself in the pages of this book enabled me to begin to accept who I really am, and to embrace my differences with pride and excitement...for the life of a wild woman is anything but dull!!
I hope you find it at the very least a thoughtful read...your daughters might be wild women too!
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