I'm sorry

I heard the mother of a two year old the other day, scolding her child and directing him insistently to say 'sorry' to another child.  The young mother was clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable and this translated to her child who promptly began to cry. Still she pressed for the apology, which was not forth coming in this instance,.her exasperation increased obviously. Obviously to me, and to her child. Perhaps she felt she had failed somehow? If only she realised her expectations were unrealistic, she could cut herself some much needed slack. Instead she offered the apology herself and left with her sobbing child.

I have seen this exchange so many times and it's always strikes me as a nonsense.

Why do people, parents, child care 'professionals', especially those in England it would seem,  make very young children say they're sorry? 

I'm questioning the practice of adults prompting and indeed often insisting that their very young children 'say they're sorry' for their 'anti social' behaviour. Children as young as two are expected to offer apologies to others, regardless of their capacity to understand their own feelings, let alone the feelings of another person when it would be kinder and more productive in the long term to focus on building emotional awareness within children.


Surely it's only common sense that enforcing a child to repeat a statement that's meaning cannot be comprehended and owned by the child, is in my opinion flawed. Especially when the concept we're hoping to develop awareness of is empathy and compassion for others.

Shaming a very young child for inappropriate behaviour is counter productive also and a power move on the part of the adult who has all the advantages of reasoning and authority.

When a child experiences unbearably shameful, uncomfortable feelings which they cannot verbalise or process, they often cry because they are frightened of the change in the relational dynamic, not because they feel ashamed of what they have done. They can't  understand the complex ramifications of what they have done at two.

For a child, to be excluded from the warmth and security of the group in anyway is simply awful...actually it's existentially terrifying, this is what they are learning from these early exchanges.

Children know instinctively they need to be reconnected, to be accepted back where they can feel loved, protected and safe, so they say 'Im sorry' if that's what they've learned works and satisfies the adults needs.

Does this mean they understand that what they did was wrong or unacceptable. Chances are not! Does it mean they care about the feelings of the other person? No! Because at two they can't. Empathy is a concept developmentally beyond a toddlers emotional capacities. They just know you've flipped into unsafe mode and they are somehow the focus. They may learn to associate an action with a response from an adult but in isolation this doesn't build social skills, it develops survival adaption skills and fear.

Children may learn 'sorry' is a tool they can use to minimise their own risk and their own discomfort and a necessity to sooth those around them who appear upset by something they may or may not have done. This for many is as deep as it goes and remains so into adulthood.

An apology is actually redundant without understanding and intention, so why do we insist on young children saying it? Is it cultural? I believe it is.

In my experience working in the USA and with a Norwegian child care collegue, I realised other cultures approach early social learning and disipline very differently, more gently, with much more emphasis on feelings talk and self awareness.

Helping our little ones to begin to develop their self reflective capacities ought to be the focus for early years socialization. Starting children thinking about their own feelings, and the feelings of others...offering them suggestions and solutions, consistently nurturing and growing kindness and compassion through example and modeling, from infancy onward will I believe produce more sensitive youngsters and self aware adults.

Modeling love is the only way to enable a child to truly care for others. Sorry shouldn't be just a word, when it can be so much more.

Here are some great articles on this subject.

Teaching your kids about the reasons behind saying sorry

Ages and stages : empathy